Emotional Needs- Chapter 3

1.) Acceptance

Acceptance is the need to know that you are loved; to be regarded as completely acceptable, regardless of mistakes and failures. Being accepted means being loved apart from accomplishments. It means being unconditionally loved for who you are; not for what you do.

As a child, were you…

• Accepted regardless of unfavorable actions or behaviors?
• Accepted regardless of differences?
• Accepted for who you were; not what you did?

As an adult, evidence that the need for acceptance was not met includes. . .

• Performance orientation
• Workaholic patterns
• Poor self-image
• Insecurity
• Defensiveness
• Feelings of rejection

On a scale from 1 to 10, how was your need for acceptance met as a child?

Mother Father Other

(In your own journal write out your feelings about your own needs not being met)

Write out the lies you have believed:

2.) Affection

Affection is to have closeness through appropriate physical touch. The need for affection is essential to a child’s emotional health. A child needs at least 8-10 appropriate, loving hugs a day to be healthy.  When children have affection from both mother and father, they feel safe, secure, and loved. 

As a child, did you have…

Warm and loving affection from your father and mother?

As an adult, evidence that the need for affection was not met includes…

• Being aloof and distant  
• Being uncomfortable getting close to people
• Being shut down, cold and unfeeling
• Excessive neediness
• Flirtatious behavior
• Inappropriate behavior with the opposite sex

 On a scale from 1 to 10, how was your need for affection met as a child?

Mother             Father             Other

(Below write out your feelings about your own needs not being met)

Write out the lies you have believed:

3.) Attention

The need for attention is very strong in childhood. The need for attention is the need to have a significant person show interest and take time to enter into your world.  As someone significant pays attention to you, you know you are loved. Children who have been given adequate attention will not need to act out just to get attention.

As a child, did…

• Parents spend quality time with you?
• Parents listen attentively?
• Parents enter into your world?

As an adult, evidence that the need for attention was not met…

• Being promiscuous
• Being boisterous
• Poor self-image
• Feeling worthless
• Overly consumed with appearance

On a scale from 1 to 10, how was your need for attention met as a child?

Mother             Father             Other

(Below journal write out your feelings about your own needs not being met)

Write out the lies you have believed:

4.) Affirmation

The need for affirmation is a need for a formal statement acknowledging that you are significant. It is a verbal declaration. Affirmation comes when you are included and accepted as a significant part of the family. It also means to be commended and confirmed as one having worth and value.

God openly expressed His approval of His Son, Jesus, by saying: “This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased” (Matthew 3:17).

As a child, were you…

• Commended for admirable character traits?
• Commended for accomplishments?
• Commended for endurance in a difficult situation?
• Commended for doing what is right?

As an adult, evidence that the need for affirmation was not met include…

• Approval-seeking
• Performance-oriented
• Workaholic
• Lack of confidence
• Confused
• Fearful

On a scale from 1 to 10, how was your need for affirmation met as a child?

Mother             Father             Other

(Below write out your feelings about your own needs not being met)

Write out the lies you have believed:

5.) Security

Security is the need to feel safe, stable and protected, and to know that physical and emotional needs will be met.

Harmony in the home creates a secure environment. 

 As a child…

• Did your parents provide protection from danger?
• Did your parents impart faith and confidence in God?
• Was your home safe?
• Was it a place of peace and harmony?
• Did your parents (especially your father) provide financial security and provision?

Evidence the need is unmet:

• Unbelief
• Fear
• Insecurity
• Worry
• Control

On a scale from 1 to 10, how was your need for security met as a child?

Mother             Father             Other

(Below write out your feelings about your own needs not being met)

Write out the lies you have believed:

6.) Comfort

There are times of trouble as a child, when the need to be comforted is overwhelming. This should be the time when a parent takes the time to listen and comfort instead of teaching or correcting. The root of all adulthood addictions is the need for comfort. Many times, this need for comfort is due to unmet emotional needs and the feeling of not being loved.

As a child did you have…

• Someone to take time to comfort you in times of defeat?
• Someone to empathize with you?
• Someone that felt your pain and wept with you?
• Someone give words that brought comfort and consolation?

As an adult, these behaviors and feelings may indicate that the need was not met:

• Inability to comfort others
• Feelings of being alone and empty 
• Lack of emotions
• Need to fix people and situations
• Compulsive or obsessive behaviors; addictions

On a scale from 1 to 10, how was your need for comfort met as a child?

Mother             Father             Other

(Below write out your feelings about your own needs not being met)

Write out the lies you have believed:

7.) Encouragement

It is very important for a child to be encouraged. Encouragement is to be urged forward in a positive manner towards reaching a goal. A child needs to receive correct instruction and motivation to move forward toward his established goals. A parent must leave his own world and enter into the child’s world to meet this need. A child needs to know his parents are interested in him and believe in him. A father’s interaction and encouragement awaken a child’s spirit to believe that he can accomplish a task. You know you are loved when someone believes in you enough to encourage you. 

As a child did you have…

• Helped by parents to set attainable goals?
• Helped and encouraged to meet goals?

As an adult, these behaviors and feelings may indicate that the need was not met:

• Lack of confidence
• Feelings of failure
• Attitudes of defeat
• Frustration
• Withdrawal

On a scale from 1 to 10, how was your need for encouragement met as a child?

Mother             Father             Other

(Below write out your feelings about your own needs not being met)

Write out the lies you have believed:

8.) Support

A child needs to know he has his parents’ support, no matter what. He needs to know that his home is a safe place where he can always go for help and support. In a dysfunctional home, a child can end up being the “strong one” or the one that supports the parents (this is known as parental inversion).

As a child did you have…

• Have someone stand with you in difficult situations?
• Have support of your family no matter what?

As an adult, these behaviors and feelings may indicate that the need was not met:

• Discouragement 
• Weariness toward living
• Fear of failure
• Timidity
• Insecurity

On a scale from 1 to 10, how was your need for support met as a child?

Mother             Father             Other

(Below write out your feelings about your own needs not being met)

Write out the lies you have believed:

9.) Appreciation

Appreciation is the need to have accomplishments recognized. This need is very important and is communicated through words of gratefulness and praise. You know you are loved when you are appreciated and valued.

As a child, if parents acknowledge your accomplishments such as good grades or completed chores, then they were showing appreciation for all your hard work. A child who feels appreciated will feel secure in their parents’ love. 

When parents only focus on what a child does wrong, that child will become discouraged and give up easily. When the need for appreciation has not been met in childhood, discouragement will be a major problem in adulthood. When these needs are met, the cup is full, but when they are not met the cup is empty. 

The lies that were believed if this need was not adequately met might be, “I can never please anyone, so why try?” or “No one cares how hard I work.” As adults, men tend to have a great need to know they are appreciated. If a man’s wife was not appreciated as a child, her cup will be empty, so she will have nothing to give him in the way of appreciation. Unmet needs in childhood can create many problems later in life, especially in marriage relationships. Remember, you cannot give what you have not received yourself. You must ask God to fill your cup so you can have appreciation to give others.

As a child did you have…

• Parents acknowledge your accomplishments.
• Parents focus on what was right and not always on what was wrong?

As an adult, these behaviors and feelings may indicate that the need was not met:

• Discouraged easily
• Pessimistic
• Performance-oriented
• Insecure

On a scale from 1 to 10, rate how was your need for appreciation met as a child?

Mother             Father             Other

(Below write out your feelings about your own needs not being met)

Write out the lies you have believed:

10.) Respect

Every child needs to know that her parents regard her as one who has worth and value. You know you are respected and valued if someone has a high opinion of you. A parent can meet this need the child has in several simple ways. One way is by simply respecting the child’s privacy, such as not barging into her room without knocking-especially as she gets older. 

Another way a parent can meet this need for respect is to listen to the child and hear her heart. This is particularly true at a moment when the child, or teen, has been hurt physically or emotionally. It is at these moments that a child really needs her parent to show her respect by listening to her pain. She will feel validated and respected if she is listened to attentively and with compassion, not reprimanded or lectured on her mistakes. 

As a child, was there…

• Respect for you as an individual?
• Respect for your privacy?
• Respect for your property?

As an adult, these behaviors and feelings may indicate that the need was not met:

• Feelings of worthlessness 
• Feelings of inferiority
• Feelings of insecurity
• Demanding behavior
• Having a victim mindset

On a scale from 1 to 10, how was your need for support met as a child?

Mother             Father             Other

(Below write out your feelings about your own needs not being met)

Write out the lies you have believed: